Watch your step

Hey! Watch it asshole! Where the fuck did you learn how to drive? Film school? This ain't the fuckin' French Connection pal!

Outdoor room service

They want to make it illegal for the homeless to sleep on the street. Or in parks and such. They say all these folks and agencies trying to help are only providing "outdoor room service" (how fuckin' clever) and "enabling" the homeless to "continue living a life of poverty and despair."

Following my long-standing tradition of agreeing with the majority, I agree. As such, for the betterment of our fair city, I propose the immediate internment of the following:

• Bums, winos, vagabonds and vagrants
• Smokers
• Pit bull owners
• Anyone who dares cut down a tree on their own property
• The gender-challenged, gender-confused and gender-biased (different camps, 'natch)
• Spitters
• Cursers
• Folks who don't like hockey
• Estonians

We will create the perfect city -- where everyone can pretend to care about health issues while driving their fat kids around in SUVs.