This month's horoscopes

ARIES
March 21 - April 20
If your accounts are overdue, they're likely to stay that way. Do not set aside time for social planning, as penniless people in debt attract a poor class of friend, more likely to create further chaos in your already out-of-control life.

TAURUS
April 21 - May 21
Buy insurance to protect yourself from the city's first-ever tornado. Buy more insurance to prevent contracting a lethal illness. Buy still more insurance to prevent being crushed by a falling piano. (Message brought to you courtesy of Lombard Insurance.)

GEMINI
May 22 - June 21
Throw away useless and unused items. Start with your not-quite-so-significant other.You will fall madly in love with an angry pseudo-intellectual drama major – and her paramilitary lesbian companion.

CANCER
June 22 - July 22
Avoid ferrets, inanimate objects and oddly textured foods. Be especially wary of relish.

LEO
July 23 - August 23
You will meet a dwarven voodoo priestess wearing a white carnation at the supermarket express lane. She will have more than the recommended eight items or less. From there things will spiral delightfully out of control, eerily similar to the hijinks in a Warner Brothers cartoon. Or a trip to the DMV.

Virgo
August 24 - September 22
Be reluctant to part with horrible memories. By choosing to stay in a negative frame of mind, you will be able to sidestep conversations with people you dislike.

LIBRA
September 23 - October 23
Brace yourself for a surprise. The homeless guy in front of Blockbuster is your long-lost brother. Seriously. Ask your mom.

SCORPIO
October 24 - November 22
If you can spend the week outdoors, do so. If not, remain calm. Exit all buildings in a calm and orderly fashion.

SAGITTARIUS
November 23 - December 21
Cheat on your spouse or partner if the chance presents itself. If you should feel a twinge of guilt, be comforted in the knowledge that he or she is doing the same at every available opportunity. The sexual harrassment suit against you will proceed.

CAPRICORN
December 22 - January 20
Your instincts, intelligence and integrity are unlikely to get a boost this month. Continue your long tradition of trusting in get-rich-quick schemes and too-good-to-be-true offers.

AQUARIUS
January 21 - February 18
Passion lands you in a sticky situation.

PISCES
February 19 - March 20
It's highly unlikely you will meet anyone special or do anything interesting. There is no chance for advancement in your job and you should stay under the collective radar of workplace management if you wish to continue collecting a paycheque. Feel free to despair.

Signs you may be watching a Canadian movie

• a scene in a curling rink
• the appearance, however brief, of a bottle of Ex, Blue or Canadian
• 50 per cent of wardrobe budget spent on plaid flannel shirts and hunting vests
• obscure and/or consistent references to hockey
• appearance or voiceover by yet another former cast member of SCTV
• appearance or voiceover by yet another former cast member of Kids in the Hall
• plenty of beaver, the furry kind I mean
• nothing interesting happens
• the movie's reporters are, in fact, actual reporters from your local news station
• the starring couple have deep meaningful conversations in the woods -- instead of having sex