All's well that falls well

"...and forgive us our trespasses,"

Knock-knock.

"...as we forgive those that trespass against us."

Knock-knock.

"Come in."

"Good morning pastor. Are you ready for your weekly stretches?"

"Christ. Is it Tuesday already?"

"Yessir. Indeed it is sir."

"All right Bob, all right. Let's get this shit over with."

"Wonderful. OK. Great starting position. Now grab your ankles. Fabulous. And now...stretch. That's it. A little more."

"Arrgh...sweet baby Jesus. I think I pulled a kidney."

"C'mon. Don't stop. Feel the burn."

"What the fuck does that even mean, you sanctimonious prick?"

"Focus now. Stretch. Both of them back. You're almost there."

"Arrgh! Sadist. Faggot. Vile cocksucker."

"That's it. Right behind your head. Awesome! Now hold it."

Bob unbuttons his pants. His lowering zipper echoes against the pastor's belaboured breathing. The pastor looks up. His eyes bulge at Bob's bulge.

"What the fuck?! Oh God, I think I'm stuck."

Bob pulls down his boxers and approaches.

"Looking good Jerry. Looking real good."

Fine dining

Bienvenue à Manger L'homme Chez Nous messieurs. May I suggest the house specialty? Very well. We have a fine butter glazed leg of Spaniard in raspberry purée served on a bed of dandelions. Très savoureux. No? Perhaps paillardes de femme anglaise avec tomate épicée? This is the lightly pounded, how do you say, tits, of an English woman with a cumin and cilantro spiced tomato sauce. Very délicieux messieurs.

Ce qui? Oh no messieurs, non, non. There is no Iraqi on the menu. Non. Ce qui? Four North Korean burgers? Ahem. Very good sirs. Yes, right away sirs.

*walking away* Incroyable! Hamburgers! Porcs américains!

Sack lunch

My boss asked me to fill out an F-643-U yesterday, so I jumped on top of my hard plastic desk and whipped my shit out and waved it in his face. I assume he wasn't amused because 10 minutes later some beefy security guy was pulling on my piece and clubbing me with a hardcover Webster's.

I'm thinking about suing my boss for unlawful dismissal. But Randy from accounts, who was walking by during the whole overblown ordeal, says I might be barking up the wrong tree.

"C'mon. A lawsuit?" Randy groaned. "You were standing there with your balls hanging in his face."

"So?"

"What do you mean 'so?' There's a certain level of etiquette that should be observed in some situations. Your balls hanging in some guy's face is definitely a step or two below that."

Grand theft artismo

The gruff man drew smooth lines in black ink on a white page. I approached from just over his shoulder, eliciting a silent yet gruffer gruff from the man. I commented on how much I liked his drawing, his inkwork, his art. He gruffed at me.

"I'm no artist."

"Of course, of course. But tell me something. Are you happy?"

"Is anyone ever really happy?"

"You sound like an artist to me."

Hogan!

Donna needs the yellow pie to take a stranglehold on the game. She roles. Damn! A six. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. She grins a contented serial-killer grin.

I slip the card from its box. I snap the card a couple of times. Fwap. Fwap. The grin fades. Beads of perspiration form on her upper lip. I flutter my lashes coyly.

"Who headed the Gestapo?" I ask.

"Colonel Klink," she answers.

The game continues.

Watch your step

Hey! Watch it asshole! Where the fuck did you learn how to drive? Film school? This ain't the fuckin' French Connection pal!

Outdoor room service

They want to make it illegal for the homeless to sleep on the street. Or in parks and such. They say all these folks and agencies trying to help are only providing "outdoor room service" (how fuckin' clever) and "enabling" the homeless to "continue living a life of poverty and despair."

Following my long-standing tradition of agreeing with the majority, I agree. As such, for the betterment of our fair city, I propose the immediate internment of the following:

• Bums, winos, vagabonds and vagrants
• Smokers
• Pit bull owners
• Anyone who dares cut down a tree on their own property
• The gender-challenged, gender-confused and gender-biased (different camps, 'natch)
• Spitters
• Cursers
• Folks who don't like hockey
• Estonians

We will create the perfect city -- where everyone can pretend to care about health issues while driving their fat kids around in SUVs.

Red card

K-Man, wazzzup?!?

No, I haven't forgotten about you buddy...puh-lease. In fact I thought a lot about you in recent days. Especially when your ancestral countrymen choked at the Euro soccer finals. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Louie

-------------------------

Dear Louie.

While I must admit to being somewhat flattered that you haven't forgotten our long strolls past the decorative fish pond in the courtyard, I must confess that I'm somewhat disgusted by your attempts to injure me during this post-tournament time of mourning.

I understand that you have no reason to profess love, like or tolerance for the Portuguese and I'm also aware that the recent misfortunes of the Italian side must have left you feeling "blue." Still, your thoughtless comments have wounded me deeply and I can only hope that you soon cross paths with a rabid sardine.

Sincerely
Kennedy Pires, Esq.

47 yards offense? 6 points?

Dear Rick,

In regards to your brief, yet exponentially spiteful note regarding the Steelers' horrific loss to the Texans on Dec. 9:

Would you ask a man why dogs lick their own balls when that same man has just put his favourite 15-year-old golden retriever to sleep with a tire iron because the rabid monstrosity that was his best friend tried to chew the leg off a nun?

I thought not.

kp

Come in captain...

your lack of response to recent communiqué only serves to further infuriate me /STOP/

I not only find your rational detachment irrational, I find it disgusting, disheartening and disenchanting /STOP/

your behaviour is abhorrent to my sensibilities /STOP/

this shows that having sensibilities in an insensitive age is nonsensical /STOP/

Time warp or dimensional oddity?

The fine people of Northern Life*, specifically the publisher, have signed off on keeping me around until (insert drumroll) the 30th of October. Strangely enough, this once again represents a(n approximately) two-month span.

I'm sure Stephen Hawking, NASA and paranormal investigators worlwide would be interested in the unexplained Northern Life* phenomenon that insists upon two-month periods of employment. Having proudly earned a staggering 33 per cent in my first semester of high school physics, I cannot conclude whether this indicates the presence of some form of time warp in the building located at 66 Sheepherder Ave. W.** or is merely a cross-dimensional oddity centred specifically around the fourth floor*** of said edifice. Perhaps this area is simply the Bermuda Triangle's little sister, although I cannot claim that with any degree of certainty.

I suspect there may be an office pool wagering on the exact moment I have a crippling anxiety-related coronary by the fax machine. I better go put in my five bucks.

* Company name changed to protect the innocent.
** Address changed to protect my incompetent attorney from the aforementioned innocent.
*** Floor changed to protect the Vietnamese pot-bellied pig living above the ceiling tiles.

10 reasons why Ken pierced his eyebrow

By Carmine "No Jewelry Whatsoever" Lucarelli

10. Job has him feeling more and more feminine

9. Tired of storing toothpicks behind ear

8. Can continue claims of "hipness" despite advanced age

7. Now able to say, "I'm holier than thou."

6. New "Steelers-All-the-Way-Baby" eyebrow rings

5. Slowly building windmill farm on head to power increasingly feeble body

4. Large hoop increases cellphone clarity by up to 10 per cent

3. Family not sufficiently disappointed in him yet

2. Celebrating return of G'n'R

1. No one can stop him.

10 reasons why I pierced my eyebrow

By Kennedy "Damn, I Look Sexy With A Nail In My Head" Pires

10. According to my neurologist, I have a chemical imbalance in my cerebral cortex that causes my protons to outnumber my electrons. He recommended I insert a piece of metal into my face, preferably nickel or zinc.

9. Lately I have felt adrift. By piercing my face, I feel I have gotten closer in touch with my South American pygmy tribal roots.

8. I am fascinated by electricity.

7. I have invented a new year-round holiday, a celebration of the human form called Piercemas. One of its base tenets is that followers adorn themselves with ornaments. If you see someone walking around with an angel-shaped hand-puppet sewn to his scalp, he's one of ours.

6. It's one less place to shave.

5. What piercing? I can't see a thing.

4. It keeps my mind off the horrendous pain engulfing my freshly pierced scrotum.

3. I love being that guy who sets off the metal detector at airport security.

2. If I hold a car battery in one hand and a magnetized metal-shafted arrow in the other, I always point to true north.

1. Reasons, shmeasons. Chicks dig self-mutilation.