Time warp or dimensional oddity?

The fine people of Northern Life*, specifically the publisher, have signed off on keeping me around until (insert drumroll) the 30th of October. Strangely enough, this once again represents a(n approximately) two-month span.

I'm sure Stephen Hawking, NASA and paranormal investigators worlwide would be interested in the unexplained Northern Life* phenomenon that insists upon two-month periods of employment. Having proudly earned a staggering 33 per cent in my first semester of high school physics, I cannot conclude whether this indicates the presence of some form of time warp in the building located at 66 Sheepherder Ave. W.** or is merely a cross-dimensional oddity centred specifically around the fourth floor*** of said edifice. Perhaps this area is simply the Bermuda Triangle's little sister, although I cannot claim that with any degree of certainty.

I suspect there may be an office pool wagering on the exact moment I have a crippling anxiety-related coronary by the fax machine. I better go put in my five bucks.

* Company name changed to protect the innocent.
** Address changed to protect my incompetent attorney from the aforementioned innocent.
*** Floor changed to protect the Vietnamese pot-bellied pig living above the ceiling tiles.

10 reasons why Ken pierced his eyebrow

By Carmine "No Jewelry Whatsoever" Lucarelli

10. Job has him feeling more and more feminine

9. Tired of storing toothpicks behind ear

8. Can continue claims of "hipness" despite advanced age

7. Now able to say, "I'm holier than thou."

6. New "Steelers-All-the-Way-Baby" eyebrow rings

5. Slowly building windmill farm on head to power increasingly feeble body

4. Large hoop increases cellphone clarity by up to 10 per cent

3. Family not sufficiently disappointed in him yet

2. Celebrating return of G'n'R

1. No one can stop him.

10 reasons why I pierced my eyebrow

By Kennedy "Damn, I Look Sexy With A Nail In My Head" Pires

10. According to my neurologist, I have a chemical imbalance in my cerebral cortex that causes my protons to outnumber my electrons. He recommended I insert a piece of metal into my face, preferably nickel or zinc.

9. Lately I have felt adrift. By piercing my face, I feel I have gotten closer in touch with my South American pygmy tribal roots.

8. I am fascinated by electricity.

7. I have invented a new year-round holiday, a celebration of the human form called Piercemas. One of its base tenets is that followers adorn themselves with ornaments. If you see someone walking around with an angel-shaped hand-puppet sewn to his scalp, he's one of ours.

6. It's one less place to shave.

5. What piercing? I can't see a thing.

4. It keeps my mind off the horrendous pain engulfing my freshly pierced scrotum.

3. I love being that guy who sets off the metal detector at airport security.

2. If I hold a car battery in one hand and a magnetized metal-shafted arrow in the other, I always point to true north.

1. Reasons, shmeasons. Chicks dig self-mutilation.