By Kennedy "Damn, I Look Sexy With A Nail In My Head" Pires
10. According to my neurologist, I have a chemical imbalance in my cerebral cortex that causes my protons to outnumber my electrons. He recommended I insert a piece of metal into my face, preferably nickel or zinc.
9. Lately I have felt adrift. By piercing my face, I feel I have gotten closer in touch with my South American pygmy tribal roots.
8. I am fascinated by electricity.
7. I have invented a new year-round holiday, a celebration of the human form called Piercemas. One of its base tenets is that followers adorn themselves with ornaments. If you see someone walking around with an angel-shaped hand-puppet sewn to his scalp, he's one of ours.
6. It's one less place to shave.
5. What piercing? I can't see a thing.
4. It keeps my mind off the horrendous pain engulfing my freshly pierced scrotum.
3. I love being that guy who sets off the metal detector at airport security.
2. If I hold a car battery in one hand and a magnetized metal-shafted arrow in the other, I always point to true north.
1. Reasons, shmeasons. Chicks dig self-mutilation.
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