Monday, July 04, 2005

What classified apartment ads really mean

With files from Steve "Psycho Samurai" O'Neill

Quiet area
= Located next to highway, grabage dump or dance club

Lively/colourful neighbourhood
= Area rife with B&Es, crack addicts and gunshots

Safe neighbourhood
= Area infested with big, mean, starving dogs

C
lose to TTC
= No parking

Off-street parking
= Every man for himself

H
igh ceilings
= Basement apartment

Bright and roomy
= Small windows, similar to a ship's portholes

Warm and cosy
= Small attic apartment

Newly decorated
= We vaccuumed and mopped after the last tenant

Full kitchen
= Enough room for a microwave and chair combo

Close to restaurants
= Not quite a full kitchen

Family-friendly
= Warning: Lots of screaming kids around


Backyard access
= You can see it from your window

Beautifully maintained grounds
= No trees or grass

Separate entrance
= Landlord lives on main floor

Convenient location
= Helicopter pad on roof

Close to downtown
= No where near downtown

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