Q: Because of the itinerant nature of crack addicts, am I expected to welcome them to the neighbourhood with a fruit basket, even though they probably won't stay long?
-- Cracking under the strain, Kingston
A: It warms my heart to see that you're acknowledging this ever-growing portion of society Cracking, and even more so that you're willing to make contact with such a magnanimous gesture.
That being said, I must tell you that a fruit basket is a highly inappropriate gift for a crackhead. It's likely to breed hostility in an already unpredictable and violent individual, as well as provide him or her with vital vitamins and nutrients that will improve strength and cognitive functions, increasing the danger, and your chances of sustaining a mortal injury, in this potentially volatile situation.
There is only one surefire way to gain the confidence of a crack addict and only one currency that's valid in a crack den: Crack. Buy a vial and garnish it with a pretty bow. Weave a card with your cellphone number through the bow and let the crackhead(s) know that you're always interested in buying used CDs, stereo equipment and kitchen appliances. Feel free to include the addresses of various neighbours in possession of particularly nice items, or simply point out the people you don't like very much.
Happy neighbouring!
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