Mr. Etiquette: Opening doors

Q: Maybe you can settle a bet between my brother-in-law and me. He says it's rude to hold a door open for a lady, while I say it may be old-fashioned, but it's still right. Can you help?
-- Bill Booth, Peterborough

A: Hi Bill. In short, you're both right. However, it's not a question of being rude or right, but rather what exactly comes of the situation once you've chosen to go ahead and take the plunge.

Like many issues of etiquette in today's fast-paced society, holding the door open for a lady is dependant on numerous factors pertaining to the lady herself. If the lady is pretty, smiling or exuding an overall air of goodwill and warm-heartedness, by all means, open away. But there are some things to watch out for in order to avoid a potentially disastrous situation. The two main issues to keep in mind when making that typically split-second decision are: size and type.

Size: This one can be tough, since you have to quickly gauge both the woman's girth and the width of the opening through which she is about to pass. The last thing you want is for the lady to become wedged in the door frame, placing you in the awkward position of having to either push her through the doorway or pull her back in. Either situation is embarrassing for both parties and likely to lead to hard feelings on the part of the woman, who, accustomed to her own gargantuan size, may have better handled the situation on her own, without any pressure from a chivalrous outside source.

Type: This category can be broken down into more sub-categories than any one man can count. Of importance here are four specific female archetypes that are relatively easy to identify and that should be avoided in most social situations, especially those that involve providing a service such as opening a door. They are: the Mother, the Martyr, the Man-Hater and the Manager.

The Mother is obvious. With kids or baby stroller in tow, the 21st century mom is of a generation that somehow believes it has invented reproduction and child rearing and subscribes whole-heartedly to the concept that children should be both heard and seen. Opening a door for a mom will almost assuredly get you a "get away from me and my child(ren)" scowl, and creates a high probability that you will be left standing there for some time as the entire clan is prodded through the opening. It also opens up the chance that you will accidentally injure one of the misbehaving little brats with the door and become wrapped in a war of words that could lead to civil action.

The Martyr will typically be found struggling to carry half-a-dozen packages -- each larger than herself -- which she can't possibly hope to manage on her own. This woman commonly insists that she has no choice in the matter, that there is absolutely no one who could have helped her and that the task has to be done all in one shot, right now. This attitude is not conducive to social interaction, and odds are she'll take your eye out with the edge of the dish strainer poking through one of her bags.

The Man-Hater can be tough to spot visually, coming in many shapes and sizes and from all walks of life. However, most men are genetically programmed to identify these types instinctively. If you were born without this defence mechanism, your life's a crapshoot at best. If you were, you know the drill. Avoid eye contact and immediately remove yourself from the vicinity.

The Manager is typically found in areas with an abundance of office buildings and is commonly found wearing some sort of man-clothes or derivative thereof. Her neatly pressed pant suit accentuates a contempt not only for men but for anyone who stands in her way. The Manager will climb over your rotting corpse to get what she wants, and like her male counterpart, despises even more those over whom she has no authority. They do not want your help. Leave well enough alone.