Off to prison? Here's a guide of dos and don'ts for surviving the ordeal with your important bits intact.
DO:
Make yourself a shank: The sharpened ends of eating utensils and toothbrushes will serve you well when the gym suddenly empties and you're squaring off against Mexican Mafia enforcer, Enrique "El Toro" Dominguez.
Go to group drug counselling: Be sure to attend regularly if you're a junkie -- and let's face it, if you weren't, would you be in jail in the first place? There's no better place to score some tits. If by some miracle you're not an addict, start using immediately. You're in prison for God's sake.
Find religion: It's the best chance you have for early parole. The board isn't interested in remorse unless it's accompanied by the ability to quote scripture chapter and verse. I know what you're thinking, but that's the way it works.
Beg your family and friends to visit you regularly: The chats about your aunt's slow descent into dementia aren't going to do you any good, but it does offer an opportunity for them to smuggle in stuff. Smokes, drugs, brownies -- anything you can trade to keep your ass out of harm's way for another week.
Tell the other inmates you're HIV-positive: It will probably save you from most anal invasions -- but sadly, not all.
DON'T:
Make an effort to switch cells in the hope that you're new Aryan Brotherhood cellmate will protect you from the gangstas: Odds are he's more interested in tattooing a swastika on your ass and making you his bitch.
Piss off anybody who works in the prison cafeteria: Unless you're interested in a long, slow death from the ingestion of ground glass in your tomato sauce.
Smile, laugh or whistle: There's nothing to be happy about here. Any of the aforementioned "happy" habits you may have had on the outside are more than likely to get you gang raped in the shower and sliced and diced with a homemade toothbrush shank.
Ask an "ask": An ask is a favour. If you need something from another inmate, be sure to make a "trade." If you've got nothing to trade, spare yourself the eventual molestation that an "ask" will bring and handle shit yourself.
Tell anyone your crime was "an accident" or "a mistake": If you're in for car theft, tell them you chopped up a cop and fed him to your dogs. Fraud? You killed your brother-in-law with a chainsaw. Act crazy. Eat soap and lick the toilet bowl. It might keep Tony "The Butcher" Spinoli from cutting off your testicles and mailing them to your mom.
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2 comments:
Man, you know a lotta stuff.
Doesn't it just figure that the first time we meet you we're all lit? Sigh. I hate it when drunken people invade my nights.
Chora
Don't be silly -- you guys were great and it was a nice surprise getting to meet you. Hopefully some night we can all get together and start at the same time.
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