Good day fellow researchers, scientists and all-around good people. As I look around this room, I see some of the most brilliant minds the world has to offer, encased in slim, shapely bodies with unblemished skin, good hair and nice teeth. Today we have been charged with the most monumental of tasks. The fat of the world hangs in the balance.
Let us travel through the black hole, going really, really fast, thus turning it upon itself.
Despite the reports offered up by myself and my most trusted colleagues to those in high office, this will not in fact save the Earth. However, we will either travel back through time before the cellulite plague ravished our planet, availing us of the opportunity to kill our past selves and take their places, or we may find ourselves in an alternate universe, where this curse did not take place. In that instance, we can proceed to kill our parallel selves and take their places. By so doing, we will side-step the catastrophe that is sure to engulf our unfortunate, less-pleasant-to-look-upon brethren.
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